How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
mmm onion ringos
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.