You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing