School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)