@scrappy_momma

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

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@roostermustache

[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU

@TheKenyan_

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

@Ygrene

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.