[on a date with a teacher]
Me: your eyes are beautiful
Her: yours too
Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you
Her: i don’t know CAN YOU
School supply list when I was a kid:
School supply list now:
Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I just saw an 8 year old hipster.
Your move, apocalypse.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.