[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
iPhone X
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes