@pleatedjeans

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

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@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@AynRandy

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@Shenaniglenns

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

@shawn_spree

My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

@philsturgeon

Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems

@ArfMeasures

WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
[downstairs]
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down

@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”