[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*