Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine


FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.


[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?


game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.


Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?


[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.


Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!


Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.


*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*