[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.