Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You Might Also Like
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
X-tra spooky blend
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?