Cartman: Respect my
a a
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Can. I. Help. You.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
#Caturday
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”