Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?