@Cpin42

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

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@KateWhineHall

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

@MrGirlDad

I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.

@junejuly12

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

@TheAlexNevil

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

@I_am_carbs

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

@KKBowls

“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy

@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@mommajessiec

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.