Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.


I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.


*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?


Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes


pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*


“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy


Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”


Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.