schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.