Schrödinger’s cookie
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My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
New mindset, who dis?