Schrödinger’s Dumpster
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen