Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no