Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Put the is in disheveled
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am