Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.
judas: what the hell?!
jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.