The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet
“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Ancient Egyptian toilet paper