@TheAlexNevil

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

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@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@LiamDrydenEtc

“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet

@murrman5

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.