@joshgondelman
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
@Browtweaten
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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@joshgondelman
@wereprincex
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
@stevevsninjas
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
@HomeProbably
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
@GABBYdaAngSaya
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
@Merman_Melville
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
@clemwin
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
@WetMascara
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
@trojansauce
[creating foxes]
GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky
@OctopusCaveman
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome