@T_N_Crumpets
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
@Browtweaten
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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@T_N_Crumpets
@robwhisman
you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example
@seamussaid
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
@Reverend_Scott
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
@funnybeachgirl
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
@mommajessiec
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
@Reverend_Scott
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
@rebrafsim
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
@Shen_the_Bird
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
@sarcasm_inc
Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.