[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
just gave your address to some spiders
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.