I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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You deplete me
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[on horseback dressed as a knight]
ME: I wish to battle your King
CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru
ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne
CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
me *hitting on the 22 year old at work* so how long have you worked here
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—