I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.