science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend