Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Oceanography is all about current events
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.