Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
You Might Also Like
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir