Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.