Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house