Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Twitter fine art
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun