@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

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@WilliamAder

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

@sock_holliday

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@ShellHasDragons

What if all this is just because the great game developer in the sky put us on autoplay?

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”