Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I know this now 😂
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
the saddest jazz hands ever
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I hope they boil the right one.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.