[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
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“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee