[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
reminder
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Yes
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot