Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I beg your pardon?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.