Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN


Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.


Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.


[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out


To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now


“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”


A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!


Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.