@JimmerThatisAll

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

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@Reverend_Scott

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

@DrakeGatsby

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

@WheelTod

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@robin_991

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

@krautsauce

“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”

@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.