Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot
Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?
~Conversations I have with my couch