Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
You Might Also Like
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?