Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.

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Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of…Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot


Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –


me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.


[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict


*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”


How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch