Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
what?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.