Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Smile they said.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.