@Bob_Janke

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

- @Bob_Janke

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@TheBoydP

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@Sweetonme81

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

@WheelTod

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.