[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”