[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
The pasta is now
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*