My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
hackers play passwordle
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Pat is about to own someone
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.