Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.