science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad