@ArfMeasures

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

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@dorsalstream

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

@ewfeez

Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language