SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
set yourself free xox
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes