science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
❤️🦆
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.