Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
LOOOOOOL
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?