[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…