“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You Might Also Like
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.