Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.

Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.

Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.

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JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW


her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes


I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?



COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war


I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right


Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”