JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.
Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.
Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”