Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude