@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

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@MomOnFire

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

@geowizzacist

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@PJTLynch

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

@nimble__nick

*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.