@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

@TheTweetOfGod

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

@Holy_Mowgli

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@rickolantern

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

@Staggfilms

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.