SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat


“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.


Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.

Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.


[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog


if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot


“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”


Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!


Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


What do you call an upset reindeer?




Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.