Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.
Not having sex till I have kids
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
B: Is that a sticky note?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.