SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.