SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.


I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.


What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman


Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?


[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”


Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

B: Is that a sticky note?


[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”


Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.