Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.
Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.