WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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*uses the flashlight setting on the phone to look for phone*
Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”
Me: “I also come from a woman”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.