My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Therapist: ?? ?? ???
Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.
5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, “that’s really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction”
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.