[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.