@flashember

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

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@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@DaddyJew

*uses the flashlight setting on the phone to look for phone*

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”

@OllyiConic

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids

@GinAndJif

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

@iya_lucy

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

@saltymamas

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

@WilliamAder

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.