[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

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WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!



*uses the flashlight setting on the phone to look for phone*


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids


“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”


My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5


4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…


Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….


Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.


The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.