*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”